Married to an Angel

Today was a productive day...I got all of Derrek and my bedroom furniture moved over from our house in Ardmore. It was so hard, but I bought some of them space bags and put all of our bedding in one and then all of Derrek's pillows in one. That way I can still preserve his "smell". That sounds kinda weird...but you know how when you smell something and memories come flooding back? That is how this is. Our home had its own "smell" everything I bring over from there smells like "home"...well it's not home now, but what used to be Derrek's and my home. I have almost got my bedroom set up at Mom and Dad's, which is good. I am so ready to get things back to normal, or I guess is what my new "normal" will be.

Once I finish my room then I can finish my classroom at Zaneis and start on the nursery. I can't wait to start setting up the nursery. Trey is my one thing I can always look forward too. He is my little miracle baby. Today was soo stressful and I was going non stop. My back has been hurting me for the past couple of days and I haven't slept good at all, and I have been having to get up early--which isn't good if you go to bed wayyyy to late. Anyways, today Mom made me lay down because my back was absolutely killing me, and as soon as I layed down Trey started going crazy. It was so sweet, like he was saying "Take it easy Mom, I'm in here ya know!" lol <3 It is so crazy how you can love someone more than anything in the whole world and haven't even met him yet. He is half Derrek so I know he will be the sweetest and orneriest boy around--just like his Daddy.

O and the insurance company called me Friday. They sold the boat to some salvage company in OKC. Then the salvage company called me and wants to come pick up the boat either Monday or Tuesday. I knew the time would come whenever I would have to part with it, but I wasn't prepared for it quite yet. I mean I don't really WANT the boat, it would just be too painful to have to look at everyday and remember the tragic way My Sweet Derrek was stolen from me, but yet at the same time I don't want some stupid company to take it away where it will have no significant value to them whatsoever--does that make sense? It is just a crappy situation. I mean honestly, they won't know that Derrek and I spent hours and hours out in the shop organizing his fishing stuff in it, or how Derrek installed his high tech graphs all my himself, or how I set in the seat and watched him work on the trolling motor just because we wanted to spend time with each other. No they don't know any of that, or even care.

O and speaking of memories, I found a card today that I gave Derrek for Valentine's day 2009. We wasn't even married yet. It was so sweet that he had kept it. When I went through his nightstand(which still has everything in it just like he left it) I found all the cards I had ever given to him. It was so sweet. Today was just so hard, but I made it; it's just another step. The thing is I am really tired of taking steps! I resent the reason why I am having take these steps. I just want to cry and grieve and mourn the loss of Derrek so bad--but I can't completely grieve because it's not good for Trey. Dr. Melton said stress, especially at this level of his development, is not good for him, so I have to try my hardest to stay positive. Sure it hard though. I just miss Derrek so much. I remember he was soo excited to be able to hear the heartbeat, he couldn't wait for that dr. appointment. He missed it by 2 weeks :'( He choked up when we got to see Trey's heartbeat during our first ultrasound; it was one of the sweetest things I had ever seen. He would always say how he couldn't wait till I got huge and I could rest my plate (at dinner) on my belly, lol.

Well I think that is enough for tonight, pity party is over. Until next time...God Bless, and thank you all for your prayers today, they really helped me get through.

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

Derrek on the balcony of our hotel for our 1 year Anniversary.