I went up to the school today to work on my classroom. I got a little bit done, but then had to laminate all my posters, etc... so that tok up 2 hours. I NEVER want to laminate again! I started to feel a bit sorry for myself this morning. I was trying to decorate and it was posing quite a challange with "the belly". Derrek and I talked about decorating my classroom. I joked with him that since I was pregnant I was just going to sit back and tell him where I wanted everything. I never thought I wouldn't have him here to help me, guess I will have to get Mom and Courtney to help me... They pretty much help me with everything anyway; whats another thing, right?
I didn't get much sleep last night. It was about 12:30 when I last looked at the clock, and woke up at 8. I love to sleep, but hate night time. Ironic right? It's not that I hate night time, but more like I hate being alone at night time. I hate having to get into bed with Derrek everynight. I confess I do sleep with his favorite sweatshirt and a pair of his jeans. It's comforting to cuddle up to it at night. Last night I prayed that God would let me have a dream about Derrek. Nothing. I've only had 3 dreams about him since the accident. I read in a book that that is my brains way of protecting me, but it just irritates me that I cannot even see him in a dream.
Last night I was talking to Mom and was telling her how much I missed Derrek, expecially since it was the 4th of July and he loved setting off fireworks. But then I got to thinking, I am only 22 years old, I could possibly have to live 70+ years without Derrek. Ya know when "older" people lose their spouse they know they will get to see them again--which I know too--but I am going to have to wait a lot longer than most people to see my husband again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make light of anyone else's situation but it just seems like forever till I will get to see him again. Kind of depressing to think that I will have live so long without him. But then again, I have learned the hard way that life is not a guarantee. Who's to say that I will even live that long. I mean honestly, Derrek was 28 years old, happy, expecting a baby, and in great health. It's not like he was 100 years old and bed ridden. It was completely unexpected and tragic. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought that this would happen. I remember a few weeks before he left for his fishing trip we were talking about how we need to get life insurance--which I still need to do, just add that to my to-do list--and he said that when he died he wanted to go fast and not suffer. He talked about how he didn't want to be old and bed ridden, or on life support, etc...he just wanted it to happen like a snap of the fingers. I said I didn't want to suffer either, but my main wish was that I went to Heaven before he did because I knew I could not live without him. Well, he got his wish, but I definitely did not get mine. But, I am thankful that he was doing something he had a passion for, and I am thankful that he did not suffer. That, somehow, is comforting, that it really was like a "snap of the fingers".
Most people know that Derrek is "my everything". I have heard a lot of people refer to their spouses as their everything, but I truly mean it. Derrek did EVERYTHING for me, and me for him. He was my electrician, my mechanic, my fisherman, my hunter, my computer tech, my movie buddy, my cooking buddy, my plumber, my housekeeping partner, the person who did the dishes after I cooked, who helped me make the bed, the one who ALWAYS cleaned the shower, my voice of reason, the calmness to my storm, my comedian, the one who mowed the yard while I weedeated, the one who trimmed the bushes b/c I was too short, and of course my husband, my soul mate, and the father to our child. Literally, he is EVERYTHING to me. I know I am probably forgetting something...Ya know I have had several people tell me that Derrek and I did so much together, and we did. In the short time we were together we were blessed to have the opportunity to travel quite a bit. We went skiing in Colorado twice, camping in the summer in Colorado, stayed a week in the Dominican Republic, went on a Alaskan Cruise, went to Canada, visited Seattle, went to San Antonio, and not to mention all the times that we would just take off for a weekend getaway in Dallas. Sometimes we would just go to Dallas for the weekend and stay in a hotel and order pizza and swim, or maybe go to a spa. We just liked to get away with each other. That fishing trip he went on, I was going to go...I decided that week that I was just going to stay here since no other wife was going and I had been so sick with morning sickness. Derrek promised me that when he got back he would take me fishing on Lake Ray Roberts. That will never happen now. I always think, if I would have just went on that trip with him he would not have been night fishing because I didn't like being out on the boat at night. I could have saved him.
Some people say that it was "his time". That God wanted him. I am not sure I believe that...I believe that yes, God does know the time you are born and he knows the time that you will die, and yes I believe that sometimes it is someone's "time to go". But, I don't believe it was Derrek's time. I think the Devil caused the accident, somehow. The Bible says that the Devil has full reign on Earth, so I think that he stole my husband from me that night and God so graciously accepted Derrek into Heaven. I mean how could it be Derrek's "time"? He was only 28. He is happily married, expecting a baby, planning the future with me, planning on building a house out in the country, etc... We were going to have 4 kids. We both loved kids and couldn't wait to start our family. Now I Trey will be an only child. O, the curve balls life throws at you. I was never any good at hitting curve balls, but I guess I am learning how to now...I'm not really for sure what I believe on the matter, but I do know that God has a plan for me and one day I will see Derrek again and God's plan for Derrek will be so clear for me to see. The Bible says " For now you do not understand what I am doing, but one day you will." Of course that is in layman's terms, but you get the gest of it. Anyway, that is enough for now, maybe more later.
God Bless,
Brook Snodgrass
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