if tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane
i'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again
no farewell words were spoken
no time to say goodbye
you were gone before i knew it
and only god knows why
my heart still aches with sadness
and secret tears still flow
what it meant to love you
no one will ever know
but now i know you want me
to mourn for you no more
but, remember all the happy times
life still has much in store
and since you'll never be forgotten
i pledge to you today
a hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay
-Anonymous
Yesterday was a productive day. Mom, Courtney, Lynsie, and I went to Frisco to go to Babies R Us, IKEA, and Target. Well we made it to Babies R Us, where we stayed for about 3 hours, and IKEA but boy was I tired so we skipped Target. My poor little feet were not so little after all that shopping! I finally finished my registry at Babies R Us and I just finished my one for Target online. Neither Mom nor I had ever been to a Babies R Us that big. It was amazing! I got to play with all the baby stuff and find the best stuff. I even bought a few things. I bought the softest blanket I have ever felt. It is amazing. It is a dark leopard print, and so cute. As fun as yesterday was, it was also bittersweet. The whole time I was in Babies R Us I couldn't help but feel as though half of me was gone—m y better half. I kept remembering whenever Derrek and I registered for our wedding shower at Target and Wal-Mart. He kept trying to take the scan gun away from me. Lol. I loved having the gun and just being able to point and shoot at all the stuff that Derrek and I thought we needed to start our lives together. This time it was just me and I had to think okay if Derrek was here what would he want to get for our son? It was heartbreaking. Thank goodness I had Mom there with me, otherwise I don’t think I would have made it. I bought a “belly casting” kit so that I could make a belly cast of my huge belly and remember what it looked like later on. I was explaining to Mom how it worked and that your husband is supposed to put the plaster of paris strips on your belly, but my husband is in Heaven so I wasn’t going to get it. Well Mom said she would put it on there for me and that she would do it perfect and that Derrek would probably be laughing at her because he always got a kick out of her OCD-ness. (Mom has to do EVERYTHING perfectly). I don’t know what I would do without her. I also bought the baby’s first baby book. I even started filling it out today. I opened it up and it had the questions you fill out and tell about “Mommy” and “Daddy”. It was excruciating having to fill out the “About Daddy” part. Derrek NEEDS to be here so he can fill out his part on our son’s baby book. I’m not supposed to fill that out for him, he is supposed to be here! I can’t help but feel a little sorry for myself when things like that happen. It is so unfair that I have to be a Mommy and a Daddy. I NEED Derrek here to be the best Daddy ever—along with everything else I need him for L. I miss him more and more every day. I wonder if it will ever get any easier.
Today I was helping mom clean out her closet and came across the box that has Derrek's clothes in it. The funeral home in Coleman, Tx sent them to me, but I have yet to open them. The director down there advised me against it right now. I don't know when, if I ever, will look at them. It takes me breath away just seeing the box that they are in, I can not even imagine seeing the last clothes that he wore. Seeing that box makes everything so much more real. I just keep thinking "the last thing Derrek wore is in that box". Derrek had his favorite shorts on that day. Mom bought him them shorts, I think, before we were even married. He would wear them all the time. She also bought him the shirt he was wearing too. It was one of them North Face shirts that wick the sweat off of you. I just wanted to bust out bawling when I seen the box. It was like this suffocating feeling that I couldn't shake off. I miss Derrek so much. :'( I really need him here to tell me everything is going to be ok and just to hold me. Is that really to much to ask? To spend the rest of my life with the man I love? Guess it is.
Anyway, tomorrow I have another checkup with Dr. Melton. I’ll get to schedule my 4d ultrasound then too. I can’t wait for that. I am so ready to see my beautiful little boy. I hope he looks like his Daddy. I’m thinking Derrek’s sandy blonde hair, which turned brown in the winter; his beautiful cheek bones; and his jaw line. Yes, I have day dreamed what Trey will look like. Basically, I just want him to look like his Daddy J.
O and room update: I now have air conditioning! Yay! And electricity! Yesterday was a pretty decent day overall. I can’t say good, because I don’t think it’s possible to have a good day without Derrek here, but yesterday was progress.
Also, I have been tossing around the idea of having a benefit bass fishing tournament in Derrek’s name—The Derrek Snodgrass Benefit Bass Tournament—to raise money for the Derrek Trey Snodgrass Memorial Scholarship. I thought if there is a Kooterfest why couldn’t there be something in honor of Derrek to help raise money for his scholarship? I don’t even know if I will have one though, just thinking about it. I just want to do something so that he will always be remembered. I don’t want anyone to ever forget My Sweet Derrek. But the thing is I know NOTHING about bass tournaments. Derrek loved to fish though and I couldn’t think of anything better to honor him than to have a fishing tournament in his name. Maybe I can ask some of his friends that fish in tournaments for some advice or help…we’ll see…I’ll keep ya’ll posted.
Well I think I may go work in my classroom, or try and do something productive…
Until tomorrow. God Bless.
Love,
Brook Snodgrass
Derrek as a little boy <3
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