You know what I hate? Actually hate is not a strong enough word. I hate when I have to fill out something-- at the doctors, hospital, anywhere that you have to fill out them time wasting papers--and there is that little question. Single, Married, Divorced, Widowed....really what does it matter? I don't relate myself to widows. I still consider myself married. Which why shouldn't I? Of course I can't see my husband, but I can feel him in my heart. In essence I am married to an angel.
I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death. - Robert Fulghum
On a brighter note, the contractors are almost done with my room! Yay! They said they would be finished either Tuesday or Wednesday. The carpet is supposed to be in Saturday and then hopefully will get installed next week sometime. I am so ready to get moved in and have some sort of normalcy in my life. Once I get moved into my room then I can finally start on the nursery. I am ready to get it all set up. The nursery furniture is being delivered tomorrow. I bought the furniture that Derrek and I had picked out from Jcpenny.com. It is a beautiful cherry wood set. The crib turns into a toddler bed and then a full size bed. Derrek has good taste. He loved cherry wood. Today was significantly less eventful than yesterday, thank goodness. Only major thing that happened was I slammed my finger in the door at Mamaw and Antaws earlier. Speaking of my finger, which feels funny now, what exactly is the difference between physical and emotional pain? Sure physical pain can be pinpointed to a specific spot on the body and emotional pain usually just hurts all over, but I would rather endure physical pain all day than to experience the amount of emotional pain I've had these past 15 weeks. With physical pain you can take a Tylenol or use some icy hot, like on a pulled muscle and it goes away; but with emotional pain what can you do? I know there is medicine that you can take that supposedly makes you feel better or something--I wouldn't know because I won't take that stuff. It's not healthy for the baby, plus I could take some medicine to make me "feel" better but then as soon as I stopped taking it then the emotions just come right back. You can't take a miracle pill that makes all your worries disappear forever--but if they ever invent that pill someone let me know ;)
I have a doctor appointment Monday for my regular checkup with Dr. Melton. I will get to schedule my 4d ultrasound then too. I can’t to see me beautiful little boy again. The 4d ultrasounds are amazing. I am in awe of how clear they are. I just hope that Trey cooperates and lets us see his little face. He already has a reputation of being ornery—just like his Daddy <3 I recently posted on facebook for anyone that has any stories about Derrek to please message me them so later on I can put together a “Memory Album” for Trey so that he can know his Daddy even better. I have already had so many people message me their story(s) about Derrek. They all made me smile. It is so nice to read about him joking around or just being a good friend to someone. Everyone has also commented on what a great personality Derrek has and how they never seen him mad. The whole time me and Derrek were together (which would have been 4 years on December 18th) we only had one fight. That lone fight was also my fault. It was right before we found out we were (finally!) expecting and boy, I was a hormonal mess! Lol and our “fight” lasted about 30 minutes. I am so blessed to have met my soul mate and best friend so early. We just meshed together perfectly. He was the water to my fire. I am adhd and always on the go—add that with zero patience and you have a handful. Derrek on the other hand, is calm, cool, and collected—with the patience of a saint. We balanced each other out perfectly. He calmed me down and I got him excited about every little thing. Derrek used to say that he never got that excited about Christmas but then after we got together and my child-like giddiness rubbed off on him and he was like a kid in a candy store on Christmas Day. Last year he even raided under Mom and Dad’s Christmas tree and separated out ALL his presents so that he could open them faster on Christmas morning. Lol he was so funny <3 At Christmas time Mom would get Derrek, Courtney, and I a bunch of presents and Derrek loved it! His first Christmas in our family Mom got him a North Face Jacket that he wore all the time and this year me and her went in together and got him this fishing gore-tex suit. I also got him a pair of ostrich skin boots. He now has those boots on. I figured since he was so proud of them that he would probably want them on. Of course we all bought him more than that but them was his favorites. Derrek was also the best presenter buyer ever. This past year he got me an Ipad. He even purchased several visa debit cards so that I could not look at our bank statement and try and tell what he got me. I am so not good with surprises. Lol But the funny thing is he let me open up my Ipad like a week or two before Christmas because he was so excited and couldn’t wait to give it to me. He’s such a sweetheart.
Well I have told enough memories for now. Maybe more tomorrow <3
God Bless
Brook Snodgrass
Derrek and Kassi before opening his presents
We both got new boots for Christmas :)
One last poem...
Remember me and what we had and all that used to be,The love we shared, I've taken now to my eternity.
I know to you it seems unfair that things turned out this way.
Believe me when I tell you - I never chose to leave that day.
There was no way to let you know, that all the things you said -
...I heard them all, every word...as you stood beside me
I tried to make it back to you, I wanted to reach out,
To pull you close and whisper that I loved you, with no doubt.
Even when my heart was close to beating its last beat,
I felt your presence near me, your love so shining through,
I wanted you to hear my thoughts, for they were all of you.
My body growing weaker, the end was drawing near,
Time was running out for me to say to you, my dear...
Thank you for all that we were and all you'd given me,
There was no time to say goodbye, to try to make you see...
That sometimes, with no warning - our life on earth must cease,
I had to go, I had no choice - my soul was now at peace.
I heard your cries, I saw your tears, the sadness on your face
When they told you I was gone, you just could not embrace -
That this had really happened, I knew you well enough to know
How hard this was to hear, accept and have to let me go.
I watched you as you walked away not knowing what to do,
I wept as I was leaving - oh, how I ached for you!
I saw the family gather 'round, into their arms you fell,
So lost and very broken...I could see it all so well.
I heard the Master calling, saying, "Son, it's time to go,
Don't worry I have plans for her and one day she will know
This wasn't meant to hurt her, she's my child too, you see -
I love her just as much as you, she means the world to me".
I heard the trumpets sounding and the gates were open wide
Everyone was waiting for me on the other side.
I asked the Lord to please be sure to let me visit often
To make your journey easier and help your heart to soften.
He knew you would be angry with Him, but only for awhile,
He promised to take care of you, that one day again you'd smile -
As you would be remembering the years he let me stay
With you, to grow and know you, each and every day,
That we were blessed to have together all those years,
He'd be with you, take care of you and wipe away your tears.
I'm looking down and seeing that your heart's begun to mend,
I hope you feel me with you, along with all the love I send.
God's kept His promise faithfully, He has a plan, it's true,
He's watching and He's waiting...for you to see it too!
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