Sitting here in the hotel room with Mom, it has been a long day! In my last blog I forgot to update about the Derrek Snodgrass Memorial Bass Tournament. O my goodness I am so excited about this. I met with Marlene (her husband Brad worked with Derrek and they fished together, he was also on the trip) for lunch Wednesday and she showed me all that they have got done for the tournament. It is absolutely amazing. I just know Derrek would be SO proud of this fishing tournament in his honor. I can't even begin to explain how it makes my heart feel so good to know that Derrek is so loved and respected that so many people are wiling to donate their time an money into making this a success. I am literally overjoyed. It is another "outlet" for me. It is also such a help to know I am getting Derreks name out there and that he will never be forgotten. Plus all the proceeds go toward the Derrek Trey Snodgrass Memorial Scholarship, so it will be helping out countless high school graduates in the future. I just think Derrek would be so proud of this.

Marlene has so much done already,it is simply amazing. And I believe it was an act of God (and Derrek) the way her and Brad found out that I was wanting to do a tournament. (thanks Derrek for helping me out with this one!)

I have also had several people hit me up about sponsoring the tournament. It just amazes me how generous people are. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.

I've also had several people tell me how strong I am for being "okay" with a fishing tournament. Fishing didntnsteal my husband. The devil did, and God accepted him into Heaven. I am just thankful that Derrek was doing something he absolutely loved. Of course I wish hewould have never went on the trip, in hopes that he would still be with me. But if that is when God was ready to call him home then I am glad it was while Derrek was having time of his life, doing something he loved. Now--to show my weakness--I don't think I will ever be able to fish again. That is something Derrek and I did together and enjoyed. It just doesn't seem right to do it without him. Nor do I think I will ever get on a boat again. The thought of being on a boat literally makes me sick. I dont think imwill ever be able to get on one again. And I think Derrek would understand why I just can't move on from that; I try to take steps forward everyday but tha is a stepi never want to take.

Well I'm going to get off here, don't have time to write much else, I just to tell how excited I was about this tournament. Until next time, God bless.

Love,
Brook Snodgrass

Can't believe summer is almost gone...

Wow, I can't believe Zaneis enrolls Monday! and then school starts the next Monday.  Where has the summer gone?!  Tomorrow will be 18 weeks since I last talked to Derrek.  It seems like forever ago, but also like it was just yesterday--hard to make that make sense in words...It seems like just yesterday I felt the worst pain imaginable, but it seems like forever ago since I felt his arms around me. 

Tomorrow I have to take my Mamaw, Mom's mom, to get a ct scan on her back.  we found out last Friday that she has a fracture in a vertebrae.  Then, tomorrow night Mom and I are taking Antaw to Norman to get a sleep study done to see if he has sleep apnea.  Were going to just stay the night in Norman or the city, so it will be nice to just "get away" for a night--even if it is only to Norman. 

My classroom is coming along, just waiting on my new furniture to be delivered and then get everything in it's place.  I am so nervous and excited about teaching this year! <3 If it wasn't for Derrek I would have taken the rest of last semester off, but he was so proud of me for graduating I didn't want to let him down.  He always told me how proud of me he was for getting my degree and doing something that I love.  It felt so nice to know that he was so proud of me--just makes me feel good. 

Also, I recently was told that I am making "stabs" in my blog.  If anyone thinks I am using my blog to make stabs at you then I am truly sorry and that is NOT my intention at all.  I am writing as a way to express my feelings without becoming so emotional, as I would if I had to actually talk about everything I write about. 

Anyways on a brighter note,  yesterday was Trey Mccoy's 4d ultrasound! It was absolutely so amazing! <3 I get to go back next week though because he only cooperated for a little bit and then decided to grab his foot and put it in front of his face.  It was the cutest, and biggest, foot I have ever seen!  He definitely has his Daddy's feet! Super long toes! lol...and it looked like he had his Daddy's lips and his Aunt Courtney's little button nose.  And we got a really cute picture of his ear. Lol, of course I said it was the cutest ear I have ever seen, it was just so tiny and perfect.  I know Derrek was watching from heaven but I wished he was there holding my hand so bad.  He was looking forward to hearing the heartbeat for the first time and the 4d ultrasound so much.  It just doesn't seem fair that he is missing this.  But, Derrek's Granny, Uncle Jimmy, cousin Ashley, Dad, step Mom, step sister Madi, plus Mom, Dad, Courtney, and my friend Lynsie were all there to experience seeing Trey with me.  I am so glad that Derrek and I have such amazing family that are always there for me.  I know I have said it before but I am so glad that I am so close to all of Derrek's family.  They have truly embraced me and supported me so much during all this.  They are so sweet and I am so thankful I have them as in-laws.  Also, my amazing parents, are always there to support me.  My mom is my rock and holds me together.  Derrek loves (I say it in present tense because I know he still does) Mom so much, and loved to aggravate her so much.  They would go back and forth with each other lol.  He also loved to aggravate Courtney.  Them two acted just like brother and sister.  It is so cute how Trey has her nose.  It is absolutely adorable. 

Well I have a busy day tomorrow, better sign off.  Until next time, God Bless.
Love,
Brook Snodgrass

My beautiful little miracle baby.  Trey McCoy Snodgrass

 He has his Daddy's feet! <3

 Our first ultrasound. March 2, 2011.

Stupid Question

Today started off good...I was having a dream about Derrek this morning--before the dogs decided to wake me up.  I was dreaming that Trey was kicking--because when I feel asleep he was moving around I guess--Derrek was with me and I was showing him how my stomach was moving as Trey moved.  He was in awe of it, and right when Derrek was sticking his hands out to touch my belly the dogs started barking and jolted me from one the best dreams I've had.  I wish so much that Derrek could touch my belly, that I could just feel his hands wrap around my stomach and for him to feel his son kick, and when I (kinda) got that chance it too got stolen from me. :( Geez.  But at least I seen his face last night, I was happy about that <3

Next I had to go to this breast feeding class for new mothers.  I was already dreading the class just because I thought it was going to be with other new moms and their husbands, but it was only me and a lactation consultant.  Anyway, she meaning to ask if I had anyone to support me breastfeeding, and she asked "So is the Dad in the picture?" I melted. I am proud of myself though as much as I wanted to bust out bawling and run out of the room I just said--after a pause that seemed like it lasted forever--"He passed away."  What's bad is that I have seen that lady once before and she knew about "it".   She was then like "O yea that's right, I forgot." Such an easy thing to forget, I mean how many other pregnant and widowed 22 year olds do you see everyday?! It was just horrible.  I wanted to cry so bad.  I wanted to be like "Yes, he is in the picture, I have lots of pictures of him!" So yea, now you can imagine where my day went from there...

I went and worked on my classroom for a long while today, tried to completely immerse myself into something, hoping I would forget the pain I felt earlier--yea it didn't work, but I did get a lot done.  Well, actually, Mom and Dad got a lot done.  They have helped me so much in my classroom.  I definitely could not have come close to getting it done without them.  It also helps that Mom is a perfectionist like me so I don't even worry about how it is getting done because I know what she does will probably be way better than what I could do right now. 

My one bright spot, Trey, is moving around like crazy as I am typing.  He feels like a bowling ball inside my tummy right now going form one side to the other.  It is the absolute bets feeling in the world.  My stomach is currently an odd shape, as he has his butt pushed up to the right of my belly button.  It looks pretty cool, lol :).  Derrek would love it. I have my 4d ultrasound tomorrow and I am hoping that we can get a good shot of his face.  I can't wait to see him tomorrow! And I am even more ready to meet him! October can't come soon enough...

I am going to have lunch tomorrow with one of my and Derrek's friends.  Her husband fished with Derrek a lot.  Her and her husband are getting the fishing tournament up and going.  Such a blessing! I am really excited about it.  I can't think of a better way to honor Derrek and keep his memory alive.  He would be so proud.  I hope so at least.  I try so hard ot make him proud, and I hope that I'm doing a good job of it.  Sometimes I don't know though.  I know he would be so hurt to see my upset and cry, but I just can't help it sometimes.  I hate to cry, but seems like here lately I am the water works factory.  Must be these hormones, among everything else.

Well I think I am going to get off here and go to bed, been a long day and I am so ready to get it over with.  Until next time,  God Bless.

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

Trey McCoy Snodgrass at 27 weeks.

 Trey's first pair of cowboy boots that matches his Daddy's.

 Trey's first belt.

 Trey's first pair of wranglers.

Just a Dream...

It has been 17 weeks and 1 day since I lost My Sweet Derrek.  Doesn't seem real.  Sometimes I will just sit and stare at his picture and think this is just a really bad dream, I'll wake up soon and he'll be asleep next to me.  I'll wake him up and tell him how horrible it was and how much I love him....then I realize that it's not a dream, that my nightmare is really my reality.  Except I am blessed that my nightmare has one bright spot--Trey McCoy Snodgrass.  My little miracle baby.  I just miss Derrek so much, I wish that he could see my belly grow and be here to experience all this with me.

My little Trey McCoy has been a active little thing the past couple of days.  Usually he would sleep all day and late evening he would start moving around, but he never keeps me up at night.  But the past couple of days he has moved around all day long.  It is amazing.  I am definitely going to miss feeling him move around inside my tummy later--but at least I will have him here to cuddle and love on :) That will make OK. 

Mom, Mamaw, and I had to go to the city yesterday for Mamaw's doctors appointment and on the way home we stopped at the stockyards and went to Langston's.  I got Trey his first pair of cowboy boots.  They are beautiful.  They even have white tops--just like his Daddy's first boots that he got when we started dating.  I also got him his first belt and first pair of wranglers.  I thought it was only right that I get his first pair of boots since I talked Derrek into getting his white top boots whenever we started dating.  He said he hadn't had a pair of boots since he was a little boy--and they matched his Grandad's boots.  So I got Trey is first pair of boots and talked his Daddy into getting his boots too  :) Just a neat coincidence I thought.  Now I can't wait to see him in his outfit! <3 Definitely be a handsome little boy. 

I started in on Trey's nursery today.  We have to clean it out first because it has been a guest bedroom for the past 4 years, so there is quite a bit to do before it will ready.  Mom is putting new carpet in it and having it painted too.  It will be so cute once it's finished--which I hope is soon! Granny and Grandad bought Trey his high chair and it came in the other day.  it is adorable.  it is a Chicco one that matches his travel system I registered for.  I can just picture him sitting in it, making a mess :)

I got a letter the other day from one of Derrek's fishing buddies and his wife.  It was so sweet--put a smile on my face.  It was just a card to let me know they were thinking of me since I have had a rough couple of days (Sunday and Monday).  It was so thoughtful and really meant the world to me.  It is crazy how such a little gesture means so much--but it is nice knowing that someone is thinking about you.  <3 Derrek and I have such amazing family and friends--which I know I said before, but they truly are gifts from God.  They have supported me so much--and for that I am so thankful.

Well I think I am fixing to hop in bed, still sleeping with Mom though.  Can't seem to bring myself to sleep in Derrek and my bed without him there beside me, it just doesn't feel "right".  I mean we bought our bedroom furniture after we got back form our honeymoon.  We went and picked out everything together and set it up together.  I just can't sleep in OUR bed when Derrek isn't here to keep me safe--I'm horribly and childishly TERRIFIED of the dark.  I just need him here to protect me, keep me warm, and keep me from hogging the whole bed.  So, yes, I am 22 years old and sleep with my Mom.  <3 I am just blessed to have a mother that I am so close to that doesn't mind me sleeping with her.  Well, until next time, goodnight and God Bless.

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

I love my mother...

I love my mother as the trees love water and sunshine - she helps me grow, prosper, and reach great heights.

Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. ~Marion C. Garretty

I've been thinking about becoming a mother a lot here lately--only a few more months until Trey McCoy Snodgrass is here! <3 When I think about being a mom, I can't but hope that I am half the mother that my Mom is to me.  She is definitely the strongest woman I know.  Through all that I have been through these past 4 months she has always been by my side, holding me up, talking me through, and just encouraging me in everything I do.  I know that without her by my side I would not have made it through this trial.  I think back to whenever her and Dad had to tell me about Derrek, I can't imagine how hard that was for her.  To see her "little" girl lose everything in a matter of seconds, and then she had to be strong for me because I could not be strong for myself.  She had to keep me composed to protect Trey when all I could think about was that I had lost (almost) everything.  I have said before that I haven't had the chance to fully grieve, for Trey's sake, and now that I think about it Mom hasn't either, for my sake.  Derrek was her son.  At Christmas she would buy him as many gifts as she bought Courtney and I, same for birthdays, Valentine's Day, even Easter! I lost my husband, but my mom lost her son.  I just can't even imagine being as strong as her.  She is my rock, my hero, and the person I want to be when I "grow up".  Derrek loves (I say it in present tense because I know that he loves her more than ever in Heaven) my Mom like she was his own.  It is so funny because when he needed advice he would go into her office and talk to her about things. Or when he really wanted something and I would say "uh, maybe later" He would go talk her into talking me into letting him get it--sneaky little thing :).  I just love my Mom, not only for all that she has done for me, but for the woman that she is.

Today Mom and I went and did my registry at Kiddie Land and Wal Mart, and OMG Kiddie Land is amazing! I have not been in there in like 5 years; I thought Mom and I were going to buy the store out!  Thankfully we put everything into the registry and didn't spend a dime, but man that was so hard because it was all so cute.  It was definitely bittersweet though, because I could just imagine Derrek there helping me pick out the perfect blankets, outfits, etc... for our son.  Geez, I miss him so much. 

I went out to visit him this afternoon, I have to wait until about 8:30 before I can go out there because it is so miserably hot :(. I was out there just talking to him and of course crying, since it was just "us" out there.  Well I looked up and there was this sad looking dog just looking at me from a little ways out.  It was a cute dog, a long haired lab type.  It just looked so sad.  But anyways I had to leave early because the dog kept walking closer and closer to me and I can't take any chances with a stray dog.  It sucked though because I really just needed some time with Derrek to talk to him and just to let everything out.  I know he already knows what I want to say to him though.  I just like going out there and telling him how much I love and miss him and telling him about Trey growing and kicking me like crazy.  I wonder if the pain will ever get any easier, because so far it hasn't.  Like I said before I am not sure the pain will ever get easier, I just think that I will leanr how to "manage" it better.  We'll see. 

One last thing, I want to thank all my amazing family and friends who pray for me.  I appreciate it more than words can say.  God is so good to be and has blessed me with this precious little miracle growing inside me, and I am so thankful to him for everything that he has done for me.  I thank God daily for allowing me to have Trey, because otherwise I would not have made it through this trial.  Trey is my little piece of Derrek, and I can't wait to meet him.  Anyways, if it wasn't for God and everyones prayers I don't see how I could have made it this long without any major complications.  God is amazing, and I am so thankful for everyone who prays for Trey and I.  You are truly amazing people.  Well I think that is enough for tonight, I am tired and fixing go lay in bed with Mom.  Another day down, only God knows how many more days to go.... until next time, God Bless.

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

Derrek being his playful self while Mom and I try to take a picture in Alaska.

 Haha, I wanted to switch shoes in the limo leaving our wedding reception on our way to Dallas to the hotel then to the airport <3

 Dad, Mom, Courtney, Derrek, me, and Jacolbi at Sea World. Summer 2010.

 Derrek on our honeymoon in the Dominican Republic.  Summer 2009.

 Mom and Derrek at the top of the Space Needle in Seattle. Summer 2010.



Thank goodness today is almost over...

Mother Teresa once said "Death is nothing else but going home to God, the bond of love will be unbroken for all eternity." I truly believe that Death is just a simple way to say going home to God, but is that ALL it really is?  What about all the hurt, pain, turmoil, tears, emptiness, heartache, and loneliness that death leaves behind?

So let's start from the beginning today.  I was heading to Ardmore to meet Derrek's step mom and hive her a key to my house in Ardmore so that she can go over and help me clean out stuff when she has a chance.  Well right as I pull on to the road my phone rings and it is the salvage company.  They are about a hour outside of Ardmore and want to meet me and get the boat.  What about the day in advance notice I asked for!?! Seriously! Well, I told him them I would meet him at 11:15, so that would give me a hour to just "be with the boat" and cry and get it all out of my system because I hate to cry in front of people, especially strangers.  Well first I needed to go to Wal Greens and get me some Bio Oil (which is GREAT for stretch marks btw).  I drove Derrek's truck to Ardmore because I also needed to talk back a hutch I got at builder bobs that was busted.  Well when I left Mom and Dad's that morning the truck fired right up, but when I got in it from Wal Greens it wouldn't do a thing! OMG a stranded, emotional, pregnant woman in the Wal Greens parking lot is not a good combination on any day but especially THIS day.  Thankfully there was a nice old man who jumped me off and I got about 15 minutes to myself with the boat before the salvage guy came.  As soon as I seen him I just had this feeling that I was losing everything of Derrek I had left.  I bawled--in front of a complete stranger! It was horrible.  That poor guy probably had no idea what he was in store for when he left for work this morning.  Thankfully Kim was there and told him the situation and everything before he even met me, so he was really a nice guy, and even let me keep the boat keys and cut me a piece of the rope that goes along the side of the boat.   Bottom line today was complete crap.  I cried all the way to Ardmore, first because I was driving Derrek's truck, and two they were taking Derrek's and my boat from me.  The one thing left to remind me of the accident.  I know it was better for them to take it--for my sanity--but it still hurts to see it go.  I try to hold in my tears the best I can, but today the flood gates opened and they all came out--which was relieving afterwards. 

I had planned to run errands in Ardmore that needed to be done but after that ordeal my eyes were swollen, I was make-up less, and I just looked like a complete mess so I went back to Mom and Dad's.  Errands can wait till tomorrow.  O and Trey moved around on me all the way home, such a welcomed feeling.  I love that little miracle boy more than words can even say, and I haven't even met him yet.  I just can't wait until October and I get to hold him, and snuggle him, and love on him all the time. 

Tonight, I was swimming with Mom and Courtney and I looked up at seen the sunset.  It was absolutely beautiful.  I said it looked like Heaven.  There was streaks of sun rays going everywhere and the most beautiful colors and puffy clouds.  It was gorgeous.  I always wonder when I see a pretty sunset if that is where Heaven is.  Definitely somewhere beautiful.  I wonder if Derrek is among the clouds just watching over me all day;  watching to make for sure I am safe, make good choices, and take good care of his son. I like to think so.  I like to think of him smiling down on me, and laughing at me when I do something stupid or funny. 

Today was just another "step" I had to take, no matter how bad I didn't want too.  I just wanted to fall to the ground and not finish this "journey".  I hope Derrek was watching me and was proud of me for trying to be strong (although I wasn't strong at all today), but at least I tried and went over there and let the guy take the boat.  A for effort, right?  But anyway, I am fixing to go to bed and finish this day off--hopefully with a dream about My Sweet Derrek.  Until next time, God Bless

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

Today was a productive day...I got all of Derrek and my bedroom furniture moved over from our house in Ardmore.  It was so hard, but I bought some of them space bags and put all of our bedding in one and then all of Derrek's pillows in one.  That way I can still preserve his "smell".  That sounds kinda weird...but you know how when you smell something and memories come flooding back?  That is how this is.  Our home had its own "smell" everything I bring over from there smells like "home"...well it's not home now, but what used to be Derrek's and my home.  I have almost got my bedroom set up at Mom and Dad's, which is good.  I am so ready to get things back to normal, or I guess is what my new "normal" will be. 

Once I finish my room then I can finish my classroom at Zaneis and start on the nursery.  I can't wait to start setting up the nursery.  Trey is my one thing I can always look forward too.  He is my little miracle baby.  Today was soo stressful and I was going non stop.  My back has been hurting me for the past couple of days and I haven't slept good at all, and I have been having to get up early--which isn't good if you go to bed wayyyy to late.  Anyways,  today Mom made me lay down because my back was absolutely killing me, and as soon as I layed down Trey started going crazy.  It was so sweet, like he was saying "Take it easy Mom, I'm in here ya know!" lol <3 It is so crazy how you can love someone more than anything in the whole world and haven't even met him yet.  He is half Derrek so I know he will be the sweetest and orneriest boy around--just like his Daddy. 

O and the insurance company called me Friday.  They sold the boat to some salvage company in OKC.  Then the salvage company called me and wants to come pick up the boat either Monday or Tuesday.  I knew the time would come whenever I would have to part with it, but I wasn't prepared for it quite yet.  I mean I don't really WANT the boat, it would just be too painful to have to look at everyday and remember the tragic way My Sweet Derrek was stolen from me, but yet at the same time I don't want some stupid company to take it away where it will have no significant value to them whatsoever--does that make sense?  It is just a crappy situation. I mean honestly, they won't know that Derrek and I spent hours and hours out in the shop organizing his fishing stuff in it, or how Derrek installed his high tech graphs all my himself, or how I set in the seat and watched him work on the trolling motor just because we wanted to spend time with each other.  No they don't know any of that, or even care. 

O and speaking of memories, I found a card today that I gave Derrek for Valentine's day 2009.  We wasn't even married yet.  It was so sweet that he had kept it.  When I went through his nightstand(which still has everything in it just like he left it) I found all the cards I had ever given to him.  It was so sweet.  Today was just so hard, but I made it; it's just another step.  The thing is I am really tired of taking steps!  I resent the reason why I am having take these steps.  I just want to cry and grieve and mourn the loss of Derrek so bad--but I can't completely grieve because it's not good for Trey.  Dr. Melton said stress, especially at this level of his development, is not good for him, so I have to try my hardest to stay positive. Sure it hard though.   I just miss Derrek so much.  I remember he was soo excited to be able to hear the heartbeat, he couldn't wait for that dr. appointment.  He missed it by 2 weeks :'(  He choked up when we got to see Trey's heartbeat during our first ultrasound; it was one of the sweetest things I had ever seen.  He would always say how he couldn't wait till I got huge and I could rest my plate (at dinner) on my belly, lol. 

Well I think that is enough for tonight, pity party is over.  Until next time...God Bless, and thank you all for your prayers today, they really helped me get through. 

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

Derrek on the balcony of our hotel for our 1 year Anniversary.

 The birthday cake Derrek ordered for me. 

 Derrek getting ready to go fishing in Colorado. Summer 2010

 Derrek trying to dry out my boot after I fell off a fallen tree trying to cross the river :( lol

 Derrek fixing to go fishing again in Colorado <3

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me...

"If you get there before I do,
don't give up on me
I'll be there when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But Im not gonna let you down
...Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Till I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, Me" ♥

I didn’t have time to write yesterday L….My friend Courtney, her husband, and his friend came out yesterday evening to work on my electrical for my room—almost done! Yay!  I should have carpet Friday and then it will be moving time.  Geez, I am  going to be so busy before school starts, I still have to finish my classroom, but that will be fun.  I am so ready for everything to just be DONE and for Trey to be here. 

I had to send a certified copy of Derrek’s “D” certificate in today for something, not even really for sure what it was for, just know that they needed it.  I am so sick of having to send that in, or have to explain on the phone why I need to change the (account, address, etc…) in to my name.  They always say “Well we will need to talk to Mr. Snodgrass and get his approval before we can change anything.”  O-EM-GEE that gets really depressing and old really fast! I am soooooo sick of having to tell people “well if you find a way to contact him and get his approval than please let me know because I would LOVE to talk to him too!” I think I have about got everything taken care of though…I hope.

Derrek’s Granny, Granddad, and Uncle Jimmy came out yesterday to look at my room and see how everything was coming.  It was nice to visit with them.  Granny was cleaning out a drawer and found a Father’s Day present that Derrek had made for Grandad back in 1992, when he was 9 years old.  It was so cute and funny.  It had these little coupons and Derrek had written on each one what they were good for.  One was good for one fishing trip, for Derrek to be good the hole (yes hole, not whole J) day, to feed the dog, to help him ride the four wheeler, etc… It was so sweet.  I noticed Derrek’s handwriting hadn’t changed much since he was nine, lol.  I always teased him about his handwriting, now I think it is the most beautiful handwriting in the world.  I would pay all the money in the world to have him back here with me and just write me a note that said “I love you”.  Speaking of writing makes me think back to this Valentine’s Day.  He got me a Valentine’s Day card and inside he wrote that he loved me so much and would do anything for me—even take a bullet for me—and that hopefully it would just be like in the arm or leg and preferably not any bones—but that he’d take one for me. Lol it was so funny.  He always wrote funny things like that and then he would write something so sweet.  I save all my cards I get for anything, but right now they are in a box somewhere that I will have to go through and find.  I am so glad now that I saved all the cards he got me.  I miss him so much L

O and yesterday Derreks thumb print necklace charms came in! I was so happy! I had ordered me a big one with Derrek’s birthstone in it and then I ordered Trey a smaller one.  They are beautiful.  Now I will always have Derrek’s “hand” on me.  I usually wear his wedding ring with me most places too.  I have it on a necklace with this little charm that says “Always with me” and then I wear this beautiful little key with a heart top that has diamonds all around it.  Derrek got me “the key to his heart” on our one year wedding anniversary.  It is beautiful.  I love little dainty chains and this one was just perfect.  He kept asking me what I wanted and I finally told him I would like a dainty little necklace that I could wear all the time and never take off.  I never take that necklace, my wedding ring, or my Love Knot Eternity ring off.  I don’t know what I will do when my fingers swell so much I have to take off my wedding ring L In the evenings it is getting pretty bad, so I know the time is coming.

Corrie came by yesterday too.  I got to hold little baby Briar for a long time.  It definitely gave me baby fever.  I am so ready to have Trey here.  I can’t wait to just love on him all the time.  He definitely will have so many people that love him, between all my family, Jesse’s side, and then Peggy’s side.  He is one special little boy.  Definitely my miracle baby.  I remember I was so scared, and still am, that something will go wrong.  I am very over protective of him already, but that’s understandable because not only is he my precious son, he is my only piece of my husband I have left.  My little miracle baby, God knew what he was doing when he blessed me with him.  And I cannot wait to see him on the 27^th! I just daydream what he will look like.  Will he have my curly hair or Derrek’s straight, blonde, brown, or dark dark brown? Blue eyes or blue-green? What complexion?  Will he have my sensitive stomach or Derrek’s stomach of steel? Lol, yes I day dream about him all the time.  He is my precious little miracle. 

Well I think that is enough for now.  Until next time, God Bless.
Love,
Brook Snodgrass

I thought of you with love today...

I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too,
I think of you in silence I often speak your name
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame
Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part
God has you in His keeping I have you in my heart.

Today has been a decent day.  Started off kind of weird though.  Do you ever have them dreams where it is SO real that when you wake up you have to literally replay it in your mind and keep thinking “did that REALLY happen?”  Well I had one of them dreams last night.  It wasn’t a bad dream, just really weird.  I FINALLY dreamed about Derrek though, which is a huge blessing.  But what’s weird is, in my dream I figured out there was some kind of weird conspiracy and that Derrek was still alive.  That somehow it was some other guy that I didn’t even know had had the accident and Derrek was fine.  Finally, Derrek got home and told me the story on how it wasn’t him that had passed away and that he was fine.  The weird thing is the dream didn’t have a lot of detail—that I remember.  It was just basically that Derrek was still live but for some reason he was like “captured” and couldn’t make it home until he escaped….very random. But the good thing is I got to see his face.  Derrek is so gorgeous and in my dream he was just perfect.  No scratches, bruises, or cuts.  He was My Sweet Derrek. Perfect.  Just like the last time I saw him, at 3 a.m. March 24, 2011 kissing me goodbye in our bedroom before he left. 

Today has been a good day too because, Derrek’s and my friends, whom have been a true Godsend during all of this, had already been thinking about a Memorial Fishing Tournament in Derrek’s name.  I truly believe that Derrek gave me the idea and gave me the courage to write about it and then it all worked out from there.  Like, I said before I know absolutely nothing about fishing tournaments, but his friend does.  I mean honestly, that is not luck that Derrek’s fishing enthusiast friend had the same thought I did, it is another one of God’s blessings because now there is someone willing to help me that knows something about how these things work.  I mean of course my Mom and the rest of my family and friends will help me, but I have someone on my side now that knows what needs to be done.  I am just really intrigued to see where this will go.  I really believe that this is something that Derrek would be SO proud of.  That’s my goal in everything I do is to make God and Derrek proud so that one day I will be able to be with Derrek again in Heaven.  The Bible says that in Heaven there is no sorrow or death.  I couldn’t imagine a better place and I know that one day Derrek and I will spend eternity together there.  15 weeks and 3 days ago I would have never thought that Derrek would have to wait for me to get there; which just proves that God has his own plan for each and every one of us. 

Which brings me to my next subject; life is short.  Some people “short” may mean 90 years, other people “short” means 18.  You never know when it is your time to go.  I urge anyone reading this to please make yourself right with God so that when your times comes you will be accepted into Heaven. Tomorrow may be your last day on Earth, your last day to kiss your wife, or husband, bye, so please don’t forget to tell your loved how much you love them.  You can never say I love you too much.  That is one thing I am so thankful for; that Derrek knew that I love him more than anything on this Earth.  It is comforting to know that.  Okay, enough preaching, but seriously think about yourself for a minute.  Look at yourself and ask “If I die tomorrow do I know that I will go to Heaven?”  If the answer is no then it’s time to make some changes….

Thinking about making oneself right with God makes me remember when Derrek and I were baptized together.  We were baptized in the same church that I went to all my life, that we were married in, and Derrek had his celebration of life at.  We were baptized together on June 18, 2008.  It was our 6 month anniversary.  We got married on June 19, 2009, we had been together for 1 year, 6 months, and 1 day. 

Time for a baby update now.  I measured a week behind today at Dr. Melton’s.  Which just means that Trey McCoy Snodgrass will not be a monster sized baby (hopefully not anything like that 16 lb. baby that mother in Texas DELIVERED!) Dr. Melton assured me that measuring small was perfectly fine for someone like me because I am a “small” person.  Definitely referring to my height and nothing else, lol.  I go back in 2 weeks for another check-up and Trey’s 4D ultrasound.  I cannot wait to see my beautiful little man! These 2 weeks are going to go by s-l-o-w.  Trey is the one thing in my life that I can look forward to.  I am so blessed that God came him to Derrek and I.  I know I could not have made it through this without the thought that soon I will have a little piece of Derrek with me. 
Well, I think that is enough for today.  Until next time, God Bless.

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

           

If tears could build a stairway...

if tears could build a stairway

and memories a lane

i'd walk right up to heaven

and bring you home again

no farewell words were spoken

no time to say goodbye

you were gone before i knew it

and only god knows why

my heart still aches with sadness

and secret tears still flow

what it meant to love you

no one will ever know

but now i know you want me

to mourn for you no more

but, remember all the happy times

life still has much in store

and since you'll never be forgotten

i pledge to you today

a hollowed place within my heart

is where you'll always stay

-Anonymous

Yesterday was a productive day.  Mom, Courtney, Lynsie, and I went to Frisco to go to Babies R Us, IKEA, and Target.  Well we made it to Babies R Us, where we stayed for about 3 hours, and IKEA but boy was I tired so we skipped Target.  My poor little feet were not so little after all that shopping! I finally finished my registry at Babies R Us and I just finished my one for Target online.  Neither Mom nor I had ever been to a Babies R Us that big.  It was amazing! I got to play with all the baby stuff and find the best stuff.  I even bought a few things.  I bought the softest blanket I have ever felt.  It is amazing.  It is a dark leopard print, and so cute.  As fun as yesterday was, it was also bittersweet.  The whole time I was in Babies R Us I couldn't help but feel as though half of me was gone—m y better half.  I kept remembering whenever Derrek and I registered for our wedding shower at Target and Wal-Mart.  He kept trying to take the scan gun away from me. Lol.  I loved having the gun and just being able to point and shoot at all the stuff that Derrek and I thought we needed to start our lives together.  This time it was just me and I had to think okay if Derrek was here what would he want to get for our son? It was heartbreaking.  Thank goodness I had Mom there with me, otherwise I don’t think I would have made it.  I bought a “belly casting” kit so that I could make a belly cast of my huge belly and remember what it looked like later on.  I was explaining to Mom how it worked and that your husband is supposed to put the plaster of paris strips on your belly, but my husband is in Heaven so I wasn’t going to get it.  Well Mom said she would put it on there for me and that she would do it perfect and that Derrek would probably be laughing at her because he always got a kick out of her OCD-ness.  (Mom has to do EVERYTHING perfectly).  I don’t know what I would do without her. I also bought the baby’s first baby book.  I even started filling it out today.  I opened it up and it had the questions you fill out and tell about “Mommy” and “Daddy”.  It was excruciating having to fill out the “About Daddy” part.  Derrek NEEDS to be here so he can fill out his part on our son’s baby book.  I’m not supposed to fill that out for him, he is supposed to be here!  I can’t help but feel a little sorry for myself when things like that happen.  It is so unfair that I have to be a Mommy and a Daddy.  I NEED Derrek here to be the best Daddy ever—along with everything else I need him for L.  I miss him more and more every day.  I wonder if it will ever get any easier.

Today I was helping mom clean out her closet and came across the box that has Derrek's clothes in it.  The funeral home in Coleman, Tx sent them to me, but I have yet to open them.  The director down there advised me against it right now.  I don't know when, if I ever, will look at them.  It takes me breath away just seeing the box that they are in, I can not even imagine seeing the last clothes that he wore.  Seeing that box makes everything so much more real.  I just keep thinking "the last thing Derrek wore is in that box".  Derrek had his favorite shorts on that day.  Mom bought him them shorts, I think, before we were even married. He would wear them all the time.  She also bought him the shirt he was wearing too.  It was one of them North Face shirts that wick the sweat off of you.  I just wanted to bust out bawling when I seen the box.  It was like this suffocating feeling that I couldn't shake off.  I miss Derrek so much. :'( I really need him here to tell me everything is going to be ok and just to hold me.  Is that really to much to ask?  To spend the rest of my life with the man I love?  Guess it is.

Anyway, tomorrow I have another checkup with Dr. Melton. I’ll get to schedule my 4d ultrasound then too.  I can’t wait for that.  I am so ready to see my beautiful little boy.  I hope he looks like his Daddy.  I’m thinking Derrek’s sandy blonde hair, which turned brown in the winter; his beautiful cheek bones; and his jaw line.  Yes, I have day dreamed what Trey will look like. Basically, I just want him to look like his Daddy J.  

O and room update: I now have air conditioning! Yay! And electricity! Yesterday was a pretty decent day overall.  I can’t say good, because I don’t think it’s possible to have a good day without Derrek here, but yesterday was progress.

Also, I have been tossing around the idea of having a benefit bass fishing tournament in Derrek’s name—The Derrek Snodgrass Benefit Bass Tournament—to raise money for the Derrek Trey Snodgrass Memorial Scholarship.  I thought if there is a Kooterfest why couldn’t there be something in honor of Derrek to help raise money for his scholarship?  I don’t even know if I will have one though, just thinking about it.  I just want to do something so that he will always be remembered.  I don’t want anyone to ever forget My Sweet Derrek.  But the thing is I know NOTHING about bass tournaments.  Derrek loved to fish though and I couldn’t think of anything better to honor him than to have a fishing tournament in his name.  Maybe I can ask some of his friends that fish in tournaments for some advice or help…we’ll see…I’ll keep ya’ll posted.

Well I think I may go work in my classroom, or try and do something productive…

Until tomorrow.  God Bless.

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

Derrek as a little boy <3

Grandad, Courtney, Granny, and I with the Derrek Trey Snodgrass Memorial Scholarship. May 2011.

 Courtney, Jesse, and I with the Derrek Trey Snodgrass Memorial Scholarship. May 2011.

 Derrek and I during our first ultrasound.  March 2, 2011.

 One of the last pictures of my husband.  March 25, 2011.

Another week down...

Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.
Author Unknown

15 weeks without Derrek.... :'( seems like yesterday I felt the worst pain imaginable and lost my world, but at the same time it seems like forever ago when I was consoled by his fingers interlaced with mine, a kiss on my forehead, or just a "don't worry, everything will be ok, you worry too much".  O how I miss you Derrek! <3 I have also come to the conclusion that the pain will never get any easier, and that time is NOT the ultimate healer; but rather with time you learn how to "manage" or "deal with" the pain better.  It never goes away, its like a elephant in the room, but you learn to work around it. 

       O and baby update: Trey is finally moving again like he was before I got sick, thank goodness.  That little kick or punch can just make my day.  I'll post a pic of the "baby bump".

     Last night was, trying, to say the least.  Thank goodness I believe in the power of prayer and I have so many family and friends I can shoot a quick text to tell them I am in need of prayer and they will drop everything and pray for me.  Such amazing people.  I am so thankful for them (you know who you are and I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart). 

Recently, I was asked why I changed the name of the baby.  I wasn't aware that the baby ever had another name, but ok?....Before the accident, Derrek and I had picked out a girl name, Brynlei Novella, and if it was a boy we were undecided.  Derrek wanted Raidan Dale and I said Derrek Raidan Dale.  Derrek hated 3 names.  He said I would confuse our kid when he had achievement tests because he would know which name to put as his middle.  Lol. Well after the accident--have you noticed how my life is broken into two categories before the accident and after the accident?--I knew that I wanted my name and Derrek's name together.  If we were going to be able to have more children it would be a big deal but this is the only child I will ever be blessed with that has a part of Derrek in him.  Anyway, a friend mentioned Trey McCoy and immediately I fell in love.  It was just perfect.  Trey McCoy Snodgrass just sounds like a rough lil cowboy or an athlete.  It was literally like Derrek "sent" that name to me.  Everyone I have talked to loves Trey McCoy, well almost everyone....But, before I named Trey I called Derrek's Granny and talked to her about it.  See, Dale is Derrek's Grandads middle name.  I was worried that I might hurt his feelings if I didn't use Dale in his name.  Actually I was worried sick about it.  I should have known better because of course Granny and Grandad both told me that they loved the name Trey McCoy Snodgrass and that I name him whatever I want and they will love him regardless.  Grandad even told me that he didn't even care for the name Dale. Lol...Leave it to Grandad to crack a joke to make me feel better--just like Derrek.  Grandad and Derrek are so much alike.  But anyway, to get that off my chest, that is why I "changed" the baby’s name--and I have a peace that Derrek loves his son's name as much as I do.  Derrek Trey Snodgrass--Trey McCoy Snodgrass <3 my two boys <3

Granny called me today, just to check in and see how I was feeling. We talked for a long time.  It was so nice just to chat with her.  I appreciate that so much.  It is so nice to know that Derrek’s family has been so loving and caring during this time. 

Tomorrow Mom, Courtney, and I are going to Frisco.  I got to register for my baby shower and they have a Babies R Us and Target down there—not to mention IKEA! J Also the electrician is coming tomorrow and hooking everything up! J Yay! One step closer…

Well I am—hopefully—fixing to go to bed and get some rest.  I haven’t been resting good at night.  Been dreaming a lot, and not about Derrek L I’ll continue to say my nightly prayer that I do though, hopefully tonight will be the night I will see him in my dreams.  Until tomorrow, God Bless.

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

My Sweet Derrek as a handsome little boy.

Baby bump at 25 weeks.

Most recent ultrasound of my sweet baby boy.

Baby picture of My Sweet Derrek

Such a handsome little boy! <3 I hope Trey looks like his Daddy!

*Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, Love leaves a memory no one can steal*

Death ends a life, not a relationship. - Jack Lemmon

You know what I hate? Actually hate is not a strong enough word. I hate when I have to fill out something-- at the doctors, hospital, anywhere that you have to fill out them time wasting papers--and there is that little question.  Single, Married, Divorced, Widowed....really what does it matter?  I don't relate myself to widows.  I still consider myself married.  Which why shouldn't I?  Of course I can't see my husband, but I can feel him in my heart.  In essence I am married to an angel. 

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death. - Robert Fulghum

On a brighter note, the contractors are almost done with my room! Yay! They said they would be finished either Tuesday or Wednesday.  The carpet is supposed to be in Saturday and then hopefully will get installed next week sometime.  I am so ready to get moved in and have some sort of normalcy in my life.  Once I get moved into my room then I can finally start on the nursery.  I am ready to get it all set up.  The nursery furniture is being delivered tomorrow.  I bought the furniture that Derrek and I had picked out from Jcpenny.com.  It is a beautiful cherry wood set.  The crib turns into a toddler bed and then a full size bed.  Derrek has good taste.  He loved cherry wood. 

Today was significantly less eventful than yesterday, thank goodness.  Only major thing that happened was I slammed my finger in the door at Mamaw and Antaws earlier.  Speaking of my finger, which feels funny now, what exactly is the difference between physical and emotional pain?  Sure physical pain can be pinpointed to a specific spot on the body and emotional pain usually just hurts all over, but I would rather endure physical pain all day than to experience the amount of emotional pain I've had these past 15 weeks.  With physical pain you can take a Tylenol or use some icy hot, like on a pulled muscle and it goes away; but with emotional pain what can you do?  I know there is medicine that you can take that supposedly makes you feel better or something--I wouldn't know because I won't take that stuff.  It's not healthy for the baby, plus I could take some medicine to make me "feel" better but then as soon as I stopped taking it then the emotions just come right back.  You can't take a miracle pill that makes all your worries disappear forever--but if they ever invent that pill someone let me know ;)

I have a doctor appointment Monday for my regular checkup with Dr. Melton.  I will get to schedule my 4d ultrasound then too.  I can’t to see me beautiful little boy again.  The 4d ultrasounds are amazing.  I am in awe of how clear they are.  I just hope that Trey cooperates and lets us see his little face.  He already has a reputation of being ornery—just like his Daddy <3 I recently posted on facebook for anyone that has any stories about Derrek to please message me them so later on I can put together a “Memory Album”  for Trey so that he can know his Daddy even better.  I have already had so many people message me their story(s) about Derrek.  They all made me smile.  It is so nice to read about him joking around or just being a good friend to someone.  Everyone has also commented on what a great personality Derrek has and how they never seen him mad.  The whole time me and Derrek were together (which would have been 4 years on December 18^th) we only had one fight.  That lone fight was also my fault.  It was right before we found out we were (finally!) expecting and boy, I was a hormonal mess! Lol and our “fight” lasted about 30 minutes.  I am so blessed to have met my soul mate and best friend so early.  We just meshed together perfectly.  He was the water to my fire.  I am adhd and always on the go—add that with zero patience and you have a handful.  Derrek on the other hand, is calm, cool, and collected—with the patience of a saint.  We balanced each other out perfectly.  He calmed me down and I got him excited about every little thing.  Derrek used to say that he never got that excited about Christmas but then after we got together and my child-like giddiness rubbed off on him and he was like a kid in a candy store on Christmas Day.  Last year he even raided under Mom and Dad’s Christmas tree and separated out ALL his presents so that he could open them faster on Christmas morning.  Lol he was so funny <3 At Christmas time Mom would get Derrek, Courtney, and I a bunch of presents and Derrek loved it! His first Christmas in our family Mom got him a North Face Jacket that he wore all the time and this year me and her went in together and got him this fishing gore-tex suit.  I also got him a pair of ostrich skin boots.  He now has those boots on.  I figured since he was so proud of them that he would probably want them on.  Of course we all bought him more than that but them was his favorites.  Derrek was also the best presenter buyer ever.  This past year he got me an Ipad.  He even purchased several visa debit cards so that I could not look at our bank statement and try and tell what he got me.  I am so not good with surprises. Lol But the funny thing is he let me open up my Ipad like a week or two before Christmas because he was so excited and couldn’t wait to give it to me.  He’s such a sweetheart. 

Well I have told enough memories for now.  Maybe more tomorrow <3

God Bless

Brook Snodgrass

Derrek and Kassi before opening his presents

 We both got new boots for Christmas :)

One last poem...

Remember me and what we had and all that used to be,
The love we shared, I've taken now to my eternity.
I know to you it seems unfair that things turned out this way.
Believe me when I tell you - I never chose to leave that day.
There was no way to let you know, that all the things you said -
...I heard them all, every word...as you stood beside me 
I tried to make it back to you, I wanted to reach out,
To pull you close and whisper that I loved you, with no doubt.
Even when my heart was close to beating its last beat,
I felt your presence near me, your love so shining through,
I wanted you to hear my thoughts, for they were all of you.
My body growing weaker, the end was drawing near,
Time was running out for me to say to you, my dear...
Thank you for all that we were and all you'd given me,
There was no time to say goodbye, to try to make you see...
That sometimes, with no warning - our life on earth must cease,
I had to go, I had no choice - my soul was now at peace.
I heard your cries, I saw your tears, the sadness on your face
When they told you I was gone, you just could not embrace -
That this had really happened, I knew you well enough to know
How hard this was to hear, accept and have to let me go.
I watched you as you walked away not knowing what to do,
I wept as I was leaving - oh, how I ached for you!
I saw the family gather 'round, into their arms you fell,
So lost and very broken...I could see it all so well.
I heard the Master calling, saying, "Son, it's time to go,
Don't worry I have plans for her and one day she will know
This wasn't meant to hurt her, she's my child too, you see -
I love her just as much as you, she means the world to me".
I heard the trumpets sounding and the gates were open wide
Everyone was waiting for me on the other side.
I asked the Lord to please be sure to let me visit often
To make your journey easier and help your heart to soften.
He knew you would be angry with Him, but only for awhile,
He promised to take care of you, that one day again you'd smile -
As you would be remembering the years he let me stay
With you, to grow and know you, each and every day,
That we were blessed to have together all those years,
He'd be with you, take care of you and wipe away your tears.
I'm looking down and seeing that your heart's begun to mend,
I hope you feel me with you, along with all the love I send.
God's kept His promise faithfully, He has a plan, it's true,
He's watching and He's waiting...for you to see it too!