Sitting here in the hotel room with Mom, it has been a long day! In my last blog I forgot to update about the Derrek Snodgrass Memorial Bass Tournament. O my goodness I am so excited about this. I met with Marlene (her husband Brad worked with Derrek and they fished together, he was also on the trip) for lunch Wednesday and she showed me all that they have got done for the tournament. It is absolutely amazing. I just know Derrek would be SO proud of this fishing tournament in his honor. I can't even begin to explain how it makes my heart feel so good to know that Derrek is so loved and respected that so many people are wiling to donate their time an money into making this a success. I am literally overjoyed. It is another "outlet" for me. It is also such a help to know I am getting Derreks name out there and that he will never be forgotten. Plus all the proceeds go toward the Derrek Trey Snodgrass Memorial Scholarship, so it will be helping out countless high school graduates in the future. I just think Derrek would be so proud of this.

Marlene has so much done already,it is simply amazing. And I believe it was an act of God (and Derrek) the way her and Brad found out that I was wanting to do a tournament. (thanks Derrek for helping me out with this one!)

I have also had several people hit me up about sponsoring the tournament. It just amazes me how generous people are. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.

I've also had several people tell me how strong I am for being "okay" with a fishing tournament. Fishing didntnsteal my husband. The devil did, and God accepted him into Heaven. I am just thankful that Derrek was doing something he absolutely loved. Of course I wish hewould have never went on the trip, in hopes that he would still be with me. But if that is when God was ready to call him home then I am glad it was while Derrek was having time of his life, doing something he loved. Now--to show my weakness--I don't think I will ever be able to fish again. That is something Derrek and I did together and enjoyed. It just doesn't seem right to do it without him. Nor do I think I will ever get on a boat again. The thought of being on a boat literally makes me sick. I dont think imwill ever be able to get on one again. And I think Derrek would understand why I just can't move on from that; I try to take steps forward everyday but tha is a stepi never want to take.

Well I'm going to get off here, don't have time to write much else, I just to tell how excited I was about this tournament. Until next time, God bless.

Love,
Brook Snodgrass

Can't believe summer is almost gone...

Wow, I can't believe Zaneis enrolls Monday! and then school starts the next Monday.  Where has the summer gone?!  Tomorrow will be 18 weeks since I last talked to Derrek.  It seems like forever ago, but also like it was just yesterday--hard to make that make sense in words...It seems like just yesterday I felt the worst pain imaginable, but it seems like forever ago since I felt his arms around me. 

Tomorrow I have to take my Mamaw, Mom's mom, to get a ct scan on her back.  we found out last Friday that she has a fracture in a vertebrae.  Then, tomorrow night Mom and I are taking Antaw to Norman to get a sleep study done to see if he has sleep apnea.  Were going to just stay the night in Norman or the city, so it will be nice to just "get away" for a night--even if it is only to Norman. 

My classroom is coming along, just waiting on my new furniture to be delivered and then get everything in it's place.  I am so nervous and excited about teaching this year! <3 If it wasn't for Derrek I would have taken the rest of last semester off, but he was so proud of me for graduating I didn't want to let him down.  He always told me how proud of me he was for getting my degree and doing something that I love.  It felt so nice to know that he was so proud of me--just makes me feel good. 

Also, I recently was told that I am making "stabs" in my blog.  If anyone thinks I am using my blog to make stabs at you then I am truly sorry and that is NOT my intention at all.  I am writing as a way to express my feelings without becoming so emotional, as I would if I had to actually talk about everything I write about. 

Anyways on a brighter note,  yesterday was Trey Mccoy's 4d ultrasound! It was absolutely so amazing! <3 I get to go back next week though because he only cooperated for a little bit and then decided to grab his foot and put it in front of his face.  It was the cutest, and biggest, foot I have ever seen!  He definitely has his Daddy's feet! Super long toes! lol...and it looked like he had his Daddy's lips and his Aunt Courtney's little button nose.  And we got a really cute picture of his ear. Lol, of course I said it was the cutest ear I have ever seen, it was just so tiny and perfect.  I know Derrek was watching from heaven but I wished he was there holding my hand so bad.  He was looking forward to hearing the heartbeat for the first time and the 4d ultrasound so much.  It just doesn't seem fair that he is missing this.  But, Derrek's Granny, Uncle Jimmy, cousin Ashley, Dad, step Mom, step sister Madi, plus Mom, Dad, Courtney, and my friend Lynsie were all there to experience seeing Trey with me.  I am so glad that Derrek and I have such amazing family that are always there for me.  I know I have said it before but I am so glad that I am so close to all of Derrek's family.  They have truly embraced me and supported me so much during all this.  They are so sweet and I am so thankful I have them as in-laws.  Also, my amazing parents, are always there to support me.  My mom is my rock and holds me together.  Derrek loves (I say it in present tense because I know he still does) Mom so much, and loved to aggravate her so much.  They would go back and forth with each other lol.  He also loved to aggravate Courtney.  Them two acted just like brother and sister.  It is so cute how Trey has her nose.  It is absolutely adorable. 

Well I have a busy day tomorrow, better sign off.  Until next time, God Bless.
Love,
Brook Snodgrass

My beautiful little miracle baby.  Trey McCoy Snodgrass

 He has his Daddy's feet! <3

 Our first ultrasound. March 2, 2011.

Stupid Question

Today started off good...I was having a dream about Derrek this morning--before the dogs decided to wake me up.  I was dreaming that Trey was kicking--because when I feel asleep he was moving around I guess--Derrek was with me and I was showing him how my stomach was moving as Trey moved.  He was in awe of it, and right when Derrek was sticking his hands out to touch my belly the dogs started barking and jolted me from one the best dreams I've had.  I wish so much that Derrek could touch my belly, that I could just feel his hands wrap around my stomach and for him to feel his son kick, and when I (kinda) got that chance it too got stolen from me. :( Geez.  But at least I seen his face last night, I was happy about that <3

Next I had to go to this breast feeding class for new mothers.  I was already dreading the class just because I thought it was going to be with other new moms and their husbands, but it was only me and a lactation consultant.  Anyway, she meaning to ask if I had anyone to support me breastfeeding, and she asked "So is the Dad in the picture?" I melted. I am proud of myself though as much as I wanted to bust out bawling and run out of the room I just said--after a pause that seemed like it lasted forever--"He passed away."  What's bad is that I have seen that lady once before and she knew about "it".   She was then like "O yea that's right, I forgot." Such an easy thing to forget, I mean how many other pregnant and widowed 22 year olds do you see everyday?! It was just horrible.  I wanted to cry so bad.  I wanted to be like "Yes, he is in the picture, I have lots of pictures of him!" So yea, now you can imagine where my day went from there...

I went and worked on my classroom for a long while today, tried to completely immerse myself into something, hoping I would forget the pain I felt earlier--yea it didn't work, but I did get a lot done.  Well, actually, Mom and Dad got a lot done.  They have helped me so much in my classroom.  I definitely could not have come close to getting it done without them.  It also helps that Mom is a perfectionist like me so I don't even worry about how it is getting done because I know what she does will probably be way better than what I could do right now. 

My one bright spot, Trey, is moving around like crazy as I am typing.  He feels like a bowling ball inside my tummy right now going form one side to the other.  It is the absolute bets feeling in the world.  My stomach is currently an odd shape, as he has his butt pushed up to the right of my belly button.  It looks pretty cool, lol :).  Derrek would love it. I have my 4d ultrasound tomorrow and I am hoping that we can get a good shot of his face.  I can't wait to see him tomorrow! And I am even more ready to meet him! October can't come soon enough...

I am going to have lunch tomorrow with one of my and Derrek's friends.  Her husband fished with Derrek a lot.  Her and her husband are getting the fishing tournament up and going.  Such a blessing! I am really excited about it.  I can't think of a better way to honor Derrek and keep his memory alive.  He would be so proud.  I hope so at least.  I try so hard ot make him proud, and I hope that I'm doing a good job of it.  Sometimes I don't know though.  I know he would be so hurt to see my upset and cry, but I just can't help it sometimes.  I hate to cry, but seems like here lately I am the water works factory.  Must be these hormones, among everything else.

Well I think I am going to get off here and go to bed, been a long day and I am so ready to get it over with.  Until next time,  God Bless.

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

Trey McCoy Snodgrass at 27 weeks.

 Trey's first pair of cowboy boots that matches his Daddy's.

 Trey's first belt.

 Trey's first pair of wranglers.

Just a Dream...

It has been 17 weeks and 1 day since I lost My Sweet Derrek.  Doesn't seem real.  Sometimes I will just sit and stare at his picture and think this is just a really bad dream, I'll wake up soon and he'll be asleep next to me.  I'll wake him up and tell him how horrible it was and how much I love him....then I realize that it's not a dream, that my nightmare is really my reality.  Except I am blessed that my nightmare has one bright spot--Trey McCoy Snodgrass.  My little miracle baby.  I just miss Derrek so much, I wish that he could see my belly grow and be here to experience all this with me.

My little Trey McCoy has been a active little thing the past couple of days.  Usually he would sleep all day and late evening he would start moving around, but he never keeps me up at night.  But the past couple of days he has moved around all day long.  It is amazing.  I am definitely going to miss feeling him move around inside my tummy later--but at least I will have him here to cuddle and love on :) That will make OK. 

Mom, Mamaw, and I had to go to the city yesterday for Mamaw's doctors appointment and on the way home we stopped at the stockyards and went to Langston's.  I got Trey his first pair of cowboy boots.  They are beautiful.  They even have white tops--just like his Daddy's first boots that he got when we started dating.  I also got him his first belt and first pair of wranglers.  I thought it was only right that I get his first pair of boots since I talked Derrek into getting his white top boots whenever we started dating.  He said he hadn't had a pair of boots since he was a little boy--and they matched his Grandad's boots.  So I got Trey is first pair of boots and talked his Daddy into getting his boots too  :) Just a neat coincidence I thought.  Now I can't wait to see him in his outfit! <3 Definitely be a handsome little boy. 

I started in on Trey's nursery today.  We have to clean it out first because it has been a guest bedroom for the past 4 years, so there is quite a bit to do before it will ready.  Mom is putting new carpet in it and having it painted too.  It will be so cute once it's finished--which I hope is soon! Granny and Grandad bought Trey his high chair and it came in the other day.  it is adorable.  it is a Chicco one that matches his travel system I registered for.  I can just picture him sitting in it, making a mess :)

I got a letter the other day from one of Derrek's fishing buddies and his wife.  It was so sweet--put a smile on my face.  It was just a card to let me know they were thinking of me since I have had a rough couple of days (Sunday and Monday).  It was so thoughtful and really meant the world to me.  It is crazy how such a little gesture means so much--but it is nice knowing that someone is thinking about you.  <3 Derrek and I have such amazing family and friends--which I know I said before, but they truly are gifts from God.  They have supported me so much--and for that I am so thankful.

Well I think I am fixing to hop in bed, still sleeping with Mom though.  Can't seem to bring myself to sleep in Derrek and my bed without him there beside me, it just doesn't feel "right".  I mean we bought our bedroom furniture after we got back form our honeymoon.  We went and picked out everything together and set it up together.  I just can't sleep in OUR bed when Derrek isn't here to keep me safe--I'm horribly and childishly TERRIFIED of the dark.  I just need him here to protect me, keep me warm, and keep me from hogging the whole bed.  So, yes, I am 22 years old and sleep with my Mom.  <3 I am just blessed to have a mother that I am so close to that doesn't mind me sleeping with her.  Well, until next time, goodnight and God Bless.

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

I love my mother...

I love my mother as the trees love water and sunshine - she helps me grow, prosper, and reach great heights.

Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. ~Marion C. Garretty

I've been thinking about becoming a mother a lot here lately--only a few more months until Trey McCoy Snodgrass is here! <3 When I think about being a mom, I can't but hope that I am half the mother that my Mom is to me.  She is definitely the strongest woman I know.  Through all that I have been through these past 4 months she has always been by my side, holding me up, talking me through, and just encouraging me in everything I do.  I know that without her by my side I would not have made it through this trial.  I think back to whenever her and Dad had to tell me about Derrek, I can't imagine how hard that was for her.  To see her "little" girl lose everything in a matter of seconds, and then she had to be strong for me because I could not be strong for myself.  She had to keep me composed to protect Trey when all I could think about was that I had lost (almost) everything.  I have said before that I haven't had the chance to fully grieve, for Trey's sake, and now that I think about it Mom hasn't either, for my sake.  Derrek was her son.  At Christmas she would buy him as many gifts as she bought Courtney and I, same for birthdays, Valentine's Day, even Easter! I lost my husband, but my mom lost her son.  I just can't even imagine being as strong as her.  She is my rock, my hero, and the person I want to be when I "grow up".  Derrek loves (I say it in present tense because I know that he loves her more than ever in Heaven) my Mom like she was his own.  It is so funny because when he needed advice he would go into her office and talk to her about things. Or when he really wanted something and I would say "uh, maybe later" He would go talk her into talking me into letting him get it--sneaky little thing :).  I just love my Mom, not only for all that she has done for me, but for the woman that she is.

Today Mom and I went and did my registry at Kiddie Land and Wal Mart, and OMG Kiddie Land is amazing! I have not been in there in like 5 years; I thought Mom and I were going to buy the store out!  Thankfully we put everything into the registry and didn't spend a dime, but man that was so hard because it was all so cute.  It was definitely bittersweet though, because I could just imagine Derrek there helping me pick out the perfect blankets, outfits, etc... for our son.  Geez, I miss him so much. 

I went out to visit him this afternoon, I have to wait until about 8:30 before I can go out there because it is so miserably hot :(. I was out there just talking to him and of course crying, since it was just "us" out there.  Well I looked up and there was this sad looking dog just looking at me from a little ways out.  It was a cute dog, a long haired lab type.  It just looked so sad.  But anyways I had to leave early because the dog kept walking closer and closer to me and I can't take any chances with a stray dog.  It sucked though because I really just needed some time with Derrek to talk to him and just to let everything out.  I know he already knows what I want to say to him though.  I just like going out there and telling him how much I love and miss him and telling him about Trey growing and kicking me like crazy.  I wonder if the pain will ever get any easier, because so far it hasn't.  Like I said before I am not sure the pain will ever get easier, I just think that I will leanr how to "manage" it better.  We'll see. 

One last thing, I want to thank all my amazing family and friends who pray for me.  I appreciate it more than words can say.  God is so good to be and has blessed me with this precious little miracle growing inside me, and I am so thankful to him for everything that he has done for me.  I thank God daily for allowing me to have Trey, because otherwise I would not have made it through this trial.  Trey is my little piece of Derrek, and I can't wait to meet him.  Anyways, if it wasn't for God and everyones prayers I don't see how I could have made it this long without any major complications.  God is amazing, and I am so thankful for everyone who prays for Trey and I.  You are truly amazing people.  Well I think that is enough for tonight, I am tired and fixing go lay in bed with Mom.  Another day down, only God knows how many more days to go.... until next time, God Bless.

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

Derrek being his playful self while Mom and I try to take a picture in Alaska.

 Haha, I wanted to switch shoes in the limo leaving our wedding reception on our way to Dallas to the hotel then to the airport <3

 Dad, Mom, Courtney, Derrek, me, and Jacolbi at Sea World. Summer 2010.

 Derrek on our honeymoon in the Dominican Republic.  Summer 2009.

 Mom and Derrek at the top of the Space Needle in Seattle. Summer 2010.



Thank goodness today is almost over...

Mother Teresa once said "Death is nothing else but going home to God, the bond of love will be unbroken for all eternity." I truly believe that Death is just a simple way to say going home to God, but is that ALL it really is?  What about all the hurt, pain, turmoil, tears, emptiness, heartache, and loneliness that death leaves behind?

So let's start from the beginning today.  I was heading to Ardmore to meet Derrek's step mom and hive her a key to my house in Ardmore so that she can go over and help me clean out stuff when she has a chance.  Well right as I pull on to the road my phone rings and it is the salvage company.  They are about a hour outside of Ardmore and want to meet me and get the boat.  What about the day in advance notice I asked for!?! Seriously! Well, I told him them I would meet him at 11:15, so that would give me a hour to just "be with the boat" and cry and get it all out of my system because I hate to cry in front of people, especially strangers.  Well first I needed to go to Wal Greens and get me some Bio Oil (which is GREAT for stretch marks btw).  I drove Derrek's truck to Ardmore because I also needed to talk back a hutch I got at builder bobs that was busted.  Well when I left Mom and Dad's that morning the truck fired right up, but when I got in it from Wal Greens it wouldn't do a thing! OMG a stranded, emotional, pregnant woman in the Wal Greens parking lot is not a good combination on any day but especially THIS day.  Thankfully there was a nice old man who jumped me off and I got about 15 minutes to myself with the boat before the salvage guy came.  As soon as I seen him I just had this feeling that I was losing everything of Derrek I had left.  I bawled--in front of a complete stranger! It was horrible.  That poor guy probably had no idea what he was in store for when he left for work this morning.  Thankfully Kim was there and told him the situation and everything before he even met me, so he was really a nice guy, and even let me keep the boat keys and cut me a piece of the rope that goes along the side of the boat.   Bottom line today was complete crap.  I cried all the way to Ardmore, first because I was driving Derrek's truck, and two they were taking Derrek's and my boat from me.  The one thing left to remind me of the accident.  I know it was better for them to take it--for my sanity--but it still hurts to see it go.  I try to hold in my tears the best I can, but today the flood gates opened and they all came out--which was relieving afterwards. 

I had planned to run errands in Ardmore that needed to be done but after that ordeal my eyes were swollen, I was make-up less, and I just looked like a complete mess so I went back to Mom and Dad's.  Errands can wait till tomorrow.  O and Trey moved around on me all the way home, such a welcomed feeling.  I love that little miracle boy more than words can even say, and I haven't even met him yet.  I just can't wait until October and I get to hold him, and snuggle him, and love on him all the time. 

Tonight, I was swimming with Mom and Courtney and I looked up at seen the sunset.  It was absolutely beautiful.  I said it looked like Heaven.  There was streaks of sun rays going everywhere and the most beautiful colors and puffy clouds.  It was gorgeous.  I always wonder when I see a pretty sunset if that is where Heaven is.  Definitely somewhere beautiful.  I wonder if Derrek is among the clouds just watching over me all day;  watching to make for sure I am safe, make good choices, and take good care of his son. I like to think so.  I like to think of him smiling down on me, and laughing at me when I do something stupid or funny. 

Today was just another "step" I had to take, no matter how bad I didn't want too.  I just wanted to fall to the ground and not finish this "journey".  I hope Derrek was watching me and was proud of me for trying to be strong (although I wasn't strong at all today), but at least I tried and went over there and let the guy take the boat.  A for effort, right?  But anyway, I am fixing to go to bed and finish this day off--hopefully with a dream about My Sweet Derrek.  Until next time, God Bless

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

Today was a productive day...I got all of Derrek and my bedroom furniture moved over from our house in Ardmore.  It was so hard, but I bought some of them space bags and put all of our bedding in one and then all of Derrek's pillows in one.  That way I can still preserve his "smell".  That sounds kinda weird...but you know how when you smell something and memories come flooding back?  That is how this is.  Our home had its own "smell" everything I bring over from there smells like "home"...well it's not home now, but what used to be Derrek's and my home.  I have almost got my bedroom set up at Mom and Dad's, which is good.  I am so ready to get things back to normal, or I guess is what my new "normal" will be. 

Once I finish my room then I can finish my classroom at Zaneis and start on the nursery.  I can't wait to start setting up the nursery.  Trey is my one thing I can always look forward too.  He is my little miracle baby.  Today was soo stressful and I was going non stop.  My back has been hurting me for the past couple of days and I haven't slept good at all, and I have been having to get up early--which isn't good if you go to bed wayyyy to late.  Anyways,  today Mom made me lay down because my back was absolutely killing me, and as soon as I layed down Trey started going crazy.  It was so sweet, like he was saying "Take it easy Mom, I'm in here ya know!" lol <3 It is so crazy how you can love someone more than anything in the whole world and haven't even met him yet.  He is half Derrek so I know he will be the sweetest and orneriest boy around--just like his Daddy. 

O and the insurance company called me Friday.  They sold the boat to some salvage company in OKC.  Then the salvage company called me and wants to come pick up the boat either Monday or Tuesday.  I knew the time would come whenever I would have to part with it, but I wasn't prepared for it quite yet.  I mean I don't really WANT the boat, it would just be too painful to have to look at everyday and remember the tragic way My Sweet Derrek was stolen from me, but yet at the same time I don't want some stupid company to take it away where it will have no significant value to them whatsoever--does that make sense?  It is just a crappy situation. I mean honestly, they won't know that Derrek and I spent hours and hours out in the shop organizing his fishing stuff in it, or how Derrek installed his high tech graphs all my himself, or how I set in the seat and watched him work on the trolling motor just because we wanted to spend time with each other.  No they don't know any of that, or even care. 

O and speaking of memories, I found a card today that I gave Derrek for Valentine's day 2009.  We wasn't even married yet.  It was so sweet that he had kept it.  When I went through his nightstand(which still has everything in it just like he left it) I found all the cards I had ever given to him.  It was so sweet.  Today was just so hard, but I made it; it's just another step.  The thing is I am really tired of taking steps!  I resent the reason why I am having take these steps.  I just want to cry and grieve and mourn the loss of Derrek so bad--but I can't completely grieve because it's not good for Trey.  Dr. Melton said stress, especially at this level of his development, is not good for him, so I have to try my hardest to stay positive. Sure it hard though.   I just miss Derrek so much.  I remember he was soo excited to be able to hear the heartbeat, he couldn't wait for that dr. appointment.  He missed it by 2 weeks :'(  He choked up when we got to see Trey's heartbeat during our first ultrasound; it was one of the sweetest things I had ever seen.  He would always say how he couldn't wait till I got huge and I could rest my plate (at dinner) on my belly, lol. 

Well I think that is enough for tonight, pity party is over.  Until next time...God Bless, and thank you all for your prayers today, they really helped me get through. 

Love,

Brook Snodgrass

Derrek on the balcony of our hotel for our 1 year Anniversary.

 The birthday cake Derrek ordered for me. 

 Derrek getting ready to go fishing in Colorado. Summer 2010

 Derrek trying to dry out my boot after I fell off a fallen tree trying to cross the river :( lol

 Derrek fixing to go fishing again in Colorado <3